glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
