i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
