when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
