I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
