somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
