the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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