got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
