There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
