No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
