I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
