and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
