i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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