if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
