apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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