dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
