I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
