Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
