My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
