He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I wish they made helmets for livers.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Randomize