if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
