glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
