He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
All Iβve had today is sex and water. I think itβs time for tacos.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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