no one should ever give us hovercrafts
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
