apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
