Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
