your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
she looked like the before picture.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
