Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
