This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize