Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
