she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
