So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
