I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
