Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
