We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
