I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
