Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
