Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You ruined the universe
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
