My hand turned me down
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize
