why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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