Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
