Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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