I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
A+ Viking dick
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
