it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
