Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Randomize
