Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
