Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
