I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
my shit smells like andre
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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