This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
