I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i want to swaddle you in tequila
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize