i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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