I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
