So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
