Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
