so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
