I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
