i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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