just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
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