Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
